5 Signs You’re Still Performing for Your Parents’ Approval (Even If You Swear You’re Not)
What I hear from my clients—usually a few weeks into therapy—is some version of this:
"I didn’t think I cared what my parents thought... until I had to tell them something they wouldn't like. Then I spiraled."
Or:
"I thought I had good boundaries. But I still rehearse every call. And I feel off for days after talking to them."
If that’s you, you’re not alone.
You’ve convinced yourself you don’t care. That you’ve moved on. But then:
You feel a pang of guilt after setting a boundary.
You brace yourself before giving them news.
You can’t stop replaying conversations after they go quiet.
It’s not weakness. It’s survival logic—your nervous system doing what it learned to do.
And if you're thinking, "That’s not me," slow down. Performance doesn’t always look like saying yes. Sometimes it looks like:
Overexplaining your life choices
Going radio silent after setting a boundary
Feeling angry that they still have this much power
If you are unsure, thats normal.
Here are 5 signs you’re still performing for your parents—even if you swear you’re not.
5 Signs You’re Still Performing for Parental Approval
1. You Edit Yourself Before Every Family Interaction
You pause before texting them back. You rehearse your tone before calling. You pick the version of yourself that won’t cause problems.
You don't share that you’re stressed at work.
You dodge questions about your partner.
You downplay promotions or raises—so they won’t ask for money.
“Every time I go home, I pack a script along with my suitcase.”
This isn't just “keeping the peace"—this is performing the version of yourself they’ll accept. That means approval still has a hold.
2. You Feel Deep Shame After Disapproval
It’s not just disagreement that gets you—it’s the wave that comes after:
That crushing sense of guilt after saying no to a visit.
That hollow feeling when your parents hang up without saying “I’m proud of you.”
That anxious spiral after they frown at how you dress your kid, or decorate your home, or manage your money.
You start wondering if you did something wrong. You want to fix it—even when you’re furious.
Because in your body, disapproval feels like you’re bad. Not like you made a choice.
That’s survival script wiring.
3. You Say You Don’t Care What They Think—But Your Choices Say Otherwise
You say you’re done. You make boundaries. You move out. You move on.
And still—
You pick the job they’ll brag about.
You agree to the wedding venue they prefer.
You stay in the city they like “just a little longer.”
You pick restaurants they’d approve of.
You plan vacations with their comfort in mind.
You even choose partners who won’t "rock the boat"—not always the ones who light you up.
You might even resent them for it—but you still do it. That’s the hardest part. You know you’re performing… and can’t stop.
4. Their Silence Feels Like a Threat
Sometimes it’s not the words, it’s the quiet. A withheld “good job.” A heavy sigh. A long pause on the phone.
That silence lives rent-free in your body. You find yourself:
Replaying the last thing you said
Sending a follow-up text to “check in”
Offering a new update to win them back over
When their silence makes you spiral, it means you’re still performing for their reaction.
5. You Can’t Fully Enjoy Success Without Their Validation
You got the promotion. You moved in with someone you love. You set a boundary and stuck to it.
But instead of celebrating, you’re wondering how your parents will react. Or worse—you don’t celebrate at all, because it already feels tainted by what they might say (or not say).
"I didn’t feel proud—I just felt nervous to tell them. Like they’d poke holes in it somehow."
Sometimes it doesn’t even feel worth being proud if they’re not proud with you. That’s how deep it runs.
If joy still depends on their stamp of approval—or you don’t let yourself feel joy at all—you’re not free yet. You’re still performing.
What You Can Do
If you’re starting to notice these patterns in yourself, here’s what you can try right now:
Catch yourself in the act. When you find yourself holding back or sugarcoating something, ask: “Am I being honest—or trying to manage their reaction?”
Practice tiny truth drops. Say one honest sentence in the moment instead of editing yourself after the fact.
Sit with the guilt. Guilt doesn’t mean you’re wrong—it usually means you’re breaking a rule you didn’t agree to.
Celebrate before you share. Own your accomplishments without needing a parent to co-sign them.
Question your own "not caring." Sometimes "I don't care what they think" is just a shield—because caring too much, and being disappointed or dismissed, is too painful to admit. Start by being honest with yourself about what still stings.
Want help with the gut-punch of disappointing your parents?
I wrote more about that here: 👉 How to Deal with Parental Disappointment
These aren’t easy shifts—but they’re real, doable steps toward living your own life.
Where This Comes From - “Good” Asian Upbringing
If these behaviors feel automatic—like you know better, but can’t do better—you’re not broken. You’re following a script.
What many of us inherited is something I call the Good Asian Upbringing.
It taught us that love is earned through obedience.
That conflict is dangerous.
That the safest thing you can be is useful, agreeable, and successful.
You didn’t choose that script—it was handed to you by parents who were doing their best to survive. But now it’s shaping your adult life in ways that keep you small, anxious, and emotionally exhausted.
This isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about recognizing the system you were raised in so you can finally rewrite it.
Ready to Break the Script? Schedule an Intro Call!
If you're tired of overthinking every call home or second-guessing every choice, I help high-achieving Asian Americans like you stop performing and start living.
As an Asian therapist who deeply understands the cultural expectations you’ve grown up with, I specialize in helping you untangle yourself from those invisible family rules.
In therapy, we don’t just talk—we take action. Together, we’ll:
Practice clear boundaries without guilt
Unpack why certain moments trigger you (even if they seem "small")
Build emotional skills your upbringing didn’t allow
Rewrite the internal scripts around shame, worth, and success
Working with an Asian therapist means I won’t ask you to explain filial piety or why you feel dread before a family visit. I get it. And I help you grow through it—with clarity, compassion, and challenge.
The outcome? Clients tell me they finally:
Speak up without rehearsing every word
Set boundaries that actually hold—even with their parents
Stop overexplaining their life choices to people who don’t get it
Feel more connected in their relationships because they’re showing up authentically
Make career and life decisions based on what they want—not what they were taught to want
That’s what it looks like to break free from performance mode. That’s what we build together in therapy.
