How the Good Asian Upbringing Screws With Your Relationships, Career, and Energy
In the last post, we talked about how the "Good Asian Upbringing" sneaks up on you in adulthood. And maybe you read that and thought, "Yeah, that was my childhood—but I turned out fine."
Or maybe you didn’t think it applied to you at all. Because on the surface, everything looks good: the job, the degrees, the relationships.
But that’s exactly how it works.
The impact doesn’t always show up as a crisis—it creeps in as chronic stress, subtle disconnection, and a quiet sense that something’s off.
It’s in the hesitation before saying no. The guilt when you rest. The silence when something hurts.
This post is the follow-up.
The one where we go deeper.
Not just the rules you grew up with—but the real-world, adult-life consequences they create.
Because while the Good Asian Upbringing teaches us to survive by being quiet, agreeable, and self-sacrificing, those behaviors don’t just stay in childhood.
They follow us into adulthood—and they show up as real, tangible consequences.
The way we relate to others, the way we work, the way we avoid conflict or burn ourselves out—all of it is shaped by patterns we didn’t consciously choose, but now have to consciously unlearn.
These are the patterns my clients walk into therapy carrying, often without realizing where they started.
They don't say, "I was raised this way and now I'm struggling."
They say, "Why does this keep happening in my relationships? Why do I feel so anxious at work? Why do I dread going home?"
And when we trace it back, we find the roots in those early lessons—be good, be quiet, don’t make waves. Here's how that plays out.
This isn’t fear mongering—this is what people actually come into my practice carrying.
My clients often come in not even sure what’s wrong—just that life feels harder than it should.
When we start unpacking it, it’s clear: these are the ripple effects of a Good Asian Upbringing showing up in their adult lives.
How Good Asian Upbringing ACTUALLY Ruins your Life
1. Failed relationships & one-sided marriage dynamics
A lot of my clients come to therapy not because they think something is wrong with them—but because their partner has reached a breaking point. There’s constant conflict. Or they’ve been told they’re emotionally unavailable. Or they struggle with anger and don’t know why it keeps coming out sideways.
The truth is, the Good Asian Upbringing doesn’t give you the tools to have a healthy relationship.
It teaches you to perform in relationships—show up the way you're supposed to, meet expectations, keep things calm—but not to actually connect. It teaches you to keep the peace, not communicate directly.
To suppress your feelings, not process them.
To sacrifice your needs, not share them. So when you step into a partnership, especially one that asks for emotional presence and vulnerability, things start to crack.
Marriages become cold and transactional. Some end in divorce. Others drag on in silent misery.
2. Tension and distance at home
Good Asian Upbringing doesn’t prepare you to have a healthy, adult relationship with your parents.
It just sets you up to reenact the same cycles you were stuck in as a kid.
You become the obedient one, the quiet one, the one who doesn't push back—even when it’s hurting you. So many clients carry guilt for not wanting to go home, or dread every time their parents call or text.
The ways this plays out can look different for everyone.
For some, it’s guilt and dread around every call or visit.
Some feel like they need a vacation after a family holiday, not because of travel stress—but because of the emotional exhaustion that comes with being back in that dynamic.
Some end up in explosive arguments over seemingly small things: how they dress, what they eat, who they're dating, or why they aren't doing more for the family.
Others try to avoid conflict entirely by doubling down—being the "good girl" or the "good son," doing everything, saying yes to every request, trying to earn peace by being perfect.
But even that isn’t sustainable.
Eventually, the pressure builds, resentment grows, and the emotional toll catches up. Some avoid going home altogether because they’re tired of being pulled back into roles that never felt right. They might cancel visits, delay calls, or feel numb when they do show up.
3. Work burnout (and the guilt and anxiety spiral)
Some of the most common reasons clients come into therapy—especially my tech and finance folks—are burnout, anxiety, and feeling like they're doing too much without getting anything real back.
They’ve done everything right. They’ve followed the script: work hard, be reliable, produce results, don’t complain. And now they’re exhausted.
The Good Asian Upbringing teaches that hard work equals success.
That if you just keep your head down and grind, you’ll be okay.
But it never teaches how to rest, how to set boundaries, or how to listen to your body. It teaches output, not balance.
And it leaves people trying to outwork their pain, or prove their worth through endless productivity.
What starts as a drive to succeed turns into anxiety, resentment, and disconnection. They feel stuck in careers that drain them, disengaged from their work but terrified to stop.
They obsess over money, titles, and comparison—convinced that if they just hit the next milestone, it’ll finally feel better.
Some even fixate on early retirement as their only escape route.
They track investment portfolios daily, pour over FIRE strategies, and treat financial independence as the one path out of a job that’s draining their soul.
Because if they can’t find purpose in their work, then maybe they can at least escape it. But this kind of pressure turns even success into a trap—where productivity is endless and peace is always postponed.
But it doesn’t. It only fuels the loop: burnout, guilt, then burnout again. It’s why so many high-functioning professionals feel like they’re falling apart inside, even while checking all the boxes on the outside.
4. Chronic anxiety & overthinking everything
Clients often come in saying they feel like they can't turn their brain off.
They're lying awake at night analyzing if they sounded rude in a text, if they upset someone at work, if they made the wrong choice—about anything.
It’s not just about being careful—it’s about constantly bracing for something to go wrong. They feel the need to stay alert, stay productive, stay ahead—because slowing down feels risky. If they’re not busy, they feel like they’re falling behind or letting someone down. That kind of constant scanning for potential problems isn’t just exhausting—it’s unsustainable.
It’s the result of years of being told that mistakes are dangerous, that your needs are inconvenient, that approval is conditional. It creates a mental environment where anxiety becomes the baseline, and stillness feels unsafe.
5. Identity loss and emotional shutdown
One of the most overlooked effects of the Good Asian Upbringing is identity loss.
When your entire childhood was about being who others needed you to be—quiet, high-achieving, obedient—you grow into adulthood not really knowing who you are or what you want.
Clients come in saying they feel stuck, lost, or like something’s missing but they can’t name what. It’s not just confusion—it’s emptiness. A void.
That disconnect comes from not being taught how to listen to your feelings or name your desires.
So when big life questions show up—What do I want to do with my life?
What makes me feel alive?—the answers don’t come.
And sometimes, those questions were never even asked to begin with.
Instead, people just push forward, follow the next step, and silently suffer.
What does come is overwhelm, anxiety, or numbness.
Some people dissociate and go on autopilot. Others crash hard after holding it together for too long. It’s not that they don’t care—it’s that they were never shown how to connect with themselves in the first place.
The result?
A life that looks fine on paper but feels flat, passionless, and draining. A life where you’re doing everything right—but feel nothing in return.
But it worked... right?
That’s the question that always lingers.
If the Good Asian Upbringing got you the degree, the job, the apartment, the health insurance—didn’t it work?
Well, yes. It helped you survive.
It taught you how to follow structure, get things done, and keep yourself small enough to fit the expectations around you.
It got you through school, into a stable career, and maybe even helped you become the responsible one in your family.
And that deserves validation.
It makes sense why you might feel conflicted—grateful for what your upbringing gave you, but also hurt by what it didn’t.
Even acknowledging that can feel like a betrayal. Challenging your upbringing—especially one rooted in sacrifice, duty, and cultural values—can bring up guilt. It can feel disloyal. Wrong, even.
Because if you question the system that shaped you, what does that say about the people who raised you?
That resistance is real, and it’s one of the biggest reasons people stay stuck.
But surviving isn’t the same as living.
The Good Asian Upbringing might’ve helped you crush it in environments where being quiet, dependable, and high-performing gets you ahead.
But when it comes to real adult stuff—relationships, boundaries, emotional messiness—it totally leaves you hanging.
It never taught you what to do when life throws curveballs like grief, job loss, heartbreak, or burnout. And it definitely didn’t teach you how to build a life that feels good—not just one that looks good on paper.
So here you are: successful, responsible, and secretly miserable. Because no one ever taught you how to thrive. Only how to perform.
So what do I do?
It’s okay if you don’t have the words for it yet.
That’s often where we begin.
This is where therapy comes in—not to tear down everything you’ve built, but to finally give you space to build something that actually fits you.
If you’re feeling stuck, hopeless, or like nothing you try is working—but you’re still expected to keep it together—therapy can be the space where you stop surviving and start figuring out what healing might even look like.
And look, I get it.
The idea of going to therapy might feel weird.
Or selfish.
Or even like a betrayal of everything your parents worked so hard for.
That’s the exact tension most of my clients show up with. They don’t want to throw their upbringing away—but they also can’t keep living like this.
In the next article, we’ll explore what therapy can actually do—how it helps you break out of the old patterns, navigate the discomfort of change, and finally build a life that feels like your own.
We’ll look at how therapy with someone who gets it—someone like the Bad Asian Therapist—isn’t just about talking. It’s about reclaiming your story.
Ready to Start Now?
Here’s the thing—if you've read this far and you're feeling called out (in the right kind of way), that’s not a coincidence.
This is the part where I show up as the Bad Asian Therapist. Not the dramatic, rebellious kind—just the kind that’s willing to say the quiet parts out loud.
I work with clients like you all the time: people who are tired of feeling stuck but don’t know where to start. Folks who are high-functioning on the outside but feel empty, irritated, or just over it inside. Maybe you’ve been avoiding this for a while. Maybe your partner told you to go. Maybe you're just curious what would happen if someone finally listened without judgment—and maybe pushed you just a little.
If you're done pretending you're fine and want to talk it out with someone who gets the cultural baggage, the pressure, and the guilt—schedule a free 15-minute intro call with me.
Ready to get started? If you're done overthinking and finally want to overcome Good Asian Upbringing—with someone who gets it—this is the next step.
About the Author
Alex Ly, LMFT, is a licensed Asian American therapist based in Fremont, California. Known as The Bad Asian Therapist, Alex specializes in helping first- and second-generation clients unpack the unspoken rules of their upbringing, reconnect with themselves, and move through the anxiety, guilt, and burnout that shows up in adulthood.
Alex works with clients navigating trauma, identity loss, cultural pressure, career burnout, and relationship disconnection. Whether you're in tech, finance, or just tired of trying to be "good" all the time—Alex brings real talk, cultural nuance, and deep support to every session.
