How to Build a Healthier Relationship with Your Parents (Asian Family Edition) | Asian Therapist Insights
If every phone call with your parents feels like walking through a minefield... you're not alone.
You might dread visits but still go out of obligation. You bite your tongue when they shame your decisions. You feel guilty for pulling away, but suffocated when you stay close. You want a better relationship, but every time you try to bring something up, it turns into an argument—or worse, they act like it never happened.
"I'm the only daughter. I visit and immediately get pushed, insulted, and laughed at. My brother is treated like a king. I can't wait for the return flight."
These aren’t just personal problems. If you've ever wondered, "Why does this feel so hard—even when I'm trying my best?" you're not imagining it.
Trying to shift your relationship with your parents can bring up a lot: old guilt, buried anger, and questions like, "Is it even worth it?"
It makes sense. These are relationships layered with years of unspoken expectations, emotional landmines, and cultural pressure. You're not just dealing with the present—you’re also navigating the past.
So if this feels heavier than it "should," that’s because it is. You’re doing something incredibly brave: learning how to stay connected to your parents without losing yourself in the process.
The good news?
You can build a healthier dynamic.
But it won’t come from trying harder to be a better daughter/son. It comes from learning emotional skills your upbringing didn’t teach you: boundaries, assertive communication, and self-trust.
Let’s talk about what that actually looks like—from the perspective of an Asian therapist who understands the layers.
Step 1: Set Boundaries—Even If You Feel Guilty
Boundaries aren't about punishment. They're about protecting the space you need to grow.
If your parents make comments like "You're too sensitive" or "After all I've done for you...", you might struggle to set limits. You were probably taught that saying no is disrespectful. But without boundaries, you end up performing the role of the Good Child instead of being your full self.
Start small:
Limit how long you stay on the phone.
Tell them when a topic is off-limits.
Take a pause before agreeing to a request.
Script: "I know this might surprise you, but I need to end the call here. We can pick up another time."
Yes, it might trigger guilt. But that guilt is not a sign you're doing something wrong. It's a sign you're doing something different.
Step 2: Speak Up—Without Backing Down or Blowing Up
You might be assertive at work, but the moment you're around your parents, your voice shrinks. Or worse, you swing between silence and exploding.
"Every conversation ends in guilt-tripping or a fight. I try to be calm, but then I lose it."
This is normal. Old power dynamics resurface. But healthy communication means practicing a new pattern.
Assertive communication is direct and respectful. You're not blaming or begging. You're stating what you need.
Script: "I'm not okay with how that was said. I'm open to talking, but not if it continues this way."
Don't wait for them to change the script. Start speaking from a place of self-respect, not fear.
Step 3: Focus on Your Own Healing
Your parents may never give you the apology or understanding you deserve. But healing isn't about changing them — it's about changing how you show up especially for yourself.
This means getting to know your own wants, needs, and values outside the role you were assigned. It means doing the hard work of unpacking childhood patterns and tending to the emotional wounds they left behind.
Getting healthy might look like therapy, journaling, body work, or learning how to soothe your nervous system.
It might mean giving yourself what you always needed: patience, curiosity, and compassion.
Step 4: Accept What They Can’t Give You
Acceptance isn’t approval. It’s releasing the fantasy that they’ll suddenly become different people.
"Every time I hope they’ll finally listen, I end up disappointed. I need to stop hoping for a different outcome."
Letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop trying to earn love through performance. And when you stop hoping they’ll change, you make space to grieve what you didn’t get—and to build the life you want.
And here’s the surprising part: when you stop looking to your parents to fill the love gap inside you, you finally get to give that love to yourself. That shift creates freedom. Because once you stop holding them responsible for your self-worth, you can accept them for who they are—not who you wish they’d be. It doesn't excuse the hurt, but it gives you peace.
Real Talk: Healthy Doesn’t Always Mean Close
Some people rebuild close, respectful bonds with their parents. Others need distance—temporary or permanent—to feel safe and sane. Both are valid.
But here's where it gets tricky: we're often taught that closeness equals love, and distance equals failure. So when you're not close with your parents, it can feel like you're doing something wrong.
Healthy doesn’t always mean having deep heart-to-hearts or talking every day. Sometimes healthy means fewer interactions, clearer boundaries, or even space to heal.
Separating closeness from healthiness is what sets you free. It allows you to stop chasing some ideal of what a parent-child relationship "should" look like—and start building one that actually works for you.
Healthy means having a choice. Not staying close out of fear, guilt, or pressure. Nor is it cutting off contact without clarity. But choosing what’s right for you.
You can be a good person and still limit contact.
You can love your parents and still say no.
You can grieve the relationship you never had and create something new even if it's not what's "ideal."
But! Why is this so hard?
Ok, I get it—it sounds so simple, right? Just set a boundary. Just say how you feel. Just stop feeling guilty. But if it were that easy, you wouldn’t be here reading this.
Because let’s be real—this isn’t just about learning how to talk to your parents differently.
It’s about learning how to relate to yourself differently first.
And when you grew up in a family where love meant obedience, where silence was expected, and where your needs took a backseat to keeping the peace—it makes perfect sense that this feels impossibly hard.
You might not even realize how deeply you’ve internalized those rules until you try to do something different. Say no, and suddenly you feel like a bad kid. Ask for space, and the guilt is unbearable. You might find yourself second-guessing every decision, because you were never taught to trust yourself in the first place.
That’s where therapy comes in.
Not the “talk in circles about your childhood” kind—but the kind where you start practicing new ways of being. We slow down. We look at what’s really going on underneath the guilt, the fear, the freeze. And we create space for you to show up differently—not just with your parents, but with yourself.
In therapy, we work on:
Helping you recognize what’s yours to carry—and what isn’t
Learning how to stay grounded when your parents try to guilt-trip you
Giving space to the parts of you that still want approval, and helping them heal
Practicing tiny boundary or communication shifts that start to change the dynamic
Because a healthier relationship with your parents starts with a healthier relationship with you.
And that’s the kind of work that doesn’t just change how you show up with your family—it changes your life.
Want Help Figuring This Out? Let’s Talk About What Therapy Can Actually Do with an Asian Therapist
If you’re tired of feeling guilty every time you say no… If you second-guess whether your feelings are even valid… If you want a better relationship with your parents but don’t know where to start…
Let’s work on it together.
As an Asian therapist, I know how deeply cultural expectations can shape the way we relate to family—and to ourselves. When my clients come to therapy, they’re not just looking for someone who "gets it." They want tools, clarity, and real change. We don’t just talk about what happened. We figure out why it still affects you, and what to do about it.
Here’s what therapy looks like with me:
You’ll get to name and unlearn the roles you’ve been stuck in.
You’ll practice setting boundaries in session, not just talk about them.
You’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system when guilt, fear, or anger hijack your body.
You’ll feel more grounded—not just around your parents, but in every area of your life.
What makes working with me different? As an Asian American therapist who has lived these dynamics, I bring cultural fluency and challenge. I won’t just nod along—I’ll help you push past the patterns you were taught to never question. I’ll support you when it’s painful and celebrate when you start reclaiming your voice.
