If you caught my last post, "You Did Everything Right — So Why Are You So Exhausted All the Time?", then you already know we’ve been dragging the same tired survival scripts into every corner of our adult lives. You crushed school, got the job, played the role—but you're still running on fumes. Why? Because the Good Asian Upbringing doesn’t know when to quit.

Let’s be honest: the "Good Asian Upbringing" isn't some warm-and-fuzzy story we laugh about over hot pot. It’s the unspoken rulebook most of us were handed before we could even talk. And guess what? It’s STILL running in the background like an annoying app that drains your battery.

So what do we do with all that? Well, first—we name it.

We don’t talk about the Good Asian Upbringing because it looks good. Discipline, success, family pride. But underneath that glossy surface? There’s shame, silence, and a deep belief that you’re only worthy if you’re achieving something.

So let’s talk about what this script actually is. What exactly is the Good Asian Upbringing? Let’s break it down.

So What the Hell Is the Good Asian Upbringing?

It’s not just some list of do’s and don’ts—it was the vibe of how we grew up. The energy in the room. The tone in your parents’ voice. The unspoken rules you just knew not to break.

You didn’t get a manual, but the message was clear: stay in line, make us proud, don’t make waves. We didn’t always have words for it, but we felt it:

The side-eyes when we questioned something.
The silence when we were struggling.
The big love that only showed up when we did something "right."

It wasn’t one dramatic moment—it was a thousand little ones. Moments that taught us: this is what you gotta do to be loved, to be accepted, to not be a disappointment.

Stuff like:

Being told that average isn’t good enough.
Getting yelled at for talking back—even if we made sense.
Translating adult stuff at age ten because someone had to.
Getting told to stop crying, then asked to smile in front of company.
Hearing "why can’t you be more like your cousin?" on repeat.
Crushing every test and still feeling like you didn’t measure up.
Taking care of everyone else while silently falling apart.

And because of all that, we learned:

How to read the room before we knew how to read books.
That love sometimes came with strings attached.
That praise was nice, but came with pressure.
That feelings made people uncomfortable, so better to keep quiet.
That being a burden = worst sin ever.

Good Asian Upbringing Became Rules

Over time, those lessons became rules. Not written down, but internalized. And we followed them because they actually helped.

They kept us safe.
They made things easier—or at least less dangerous. They helped us sidestep criticism, avoid our parents’ outbursts, and steer clear of shame.

These scripts were our armor:

Staying quiet meant fewer fights with your parents.
Achieving meant you might finally get some validation.
Getting perfect grades meant no one was going to yell at you.
Shutting down your feelings helped you keep a straight face when your parents yelled at you in public, or pretend everything was fine at school while you were silently drowning at home.
Being super helpful kept you from being labeled ungrateful or selfish—the stuff that stings when it comes from your parents.

These weren’t personality traits. They were survival skills.

And we used them so much, we started thinking that quiet, nice, always-agreeable version of us was our real personality. But ended up believing that they were our personality, our badge of honor.

But let’s be real: what helped us back then? Might be the same stuff burning us out now.

The Plot Twist You Didn’t See Coming

You might think, "Okay yeah, that was my childhood, but I’m fine now." I mean, I’m an adult… right?

Are you though? Like...really?

The Good Asian Upbringing doesn’t just disappear when you hit 18 or land a job. It’s sneaky. It shows up like a toxic ex who knows your schedule:

You can’t stop working even when you’re exhausted.
You avoid conflict with your partner like it’s the plague.
You feel guilty doing literally anything for yourself.
You let work, your friends, and even your partner step all over you.

It shows up in your work habits, your relationships, your parenting, your silence. It shapes how you handle stress, ask for help, or don’t. That’s the blueprint still running in the background—quiet, but powerful.

And if you’ve ever wondered why certain situations feel heavier than they should… this might be why.

If this hit a little too close to home, you're gonna want to check out the next post: How the Good Asian Upbringing Sneaks Up on You in Adulthood. That’s where I break down all the sneaky ways this stuff still messes with you—even when you think you’ve outgrown it.

What If It Didn’t Have to Be This Way?

Let’s be honest—this whole idea of "changing the script" or "healing old patterns" can feel abstract as hell. What does that even look like in real life, especially when the Good Asian Upbringing is so baked into how you operate that it feels normal?

You might not have a clear map of what needs to change. You might just feel tired. Resentful. Like you’re doing everything right and still feeling... off. That’s not a failure—it’s a sign something deeper wants your attention.

That’s where therapy comes in - Therapy for Asian Americans

This is the exact kind of work I do with my clients—especially other Good Asians who are starting to question the roles they’ve been playing. We slow things down, get curious, and start getting clear—not just in a vague way, but specific, grounded, and personal.

We get clear about the actual problems: the ways the Good Asian Upbringing shows up in everyday life, and why it’s not just “in your head.” Then we trace the impact—like why you freeze up in meetings, why your boundaries collapse around family, or why self-care feels like a sin.

We work on grounded, actionable strategies tailored to how the Good Asian Upbringing shows up in your life—so you’re not just aware of the patterns, you’re equipped to change them.

Book a free intro call with me, The Bad Asian Therapist, and let’s start building a life that feels like yours—not the one you were raised to perform.

Book an Intro Call now!

About the Author, Alex Ly - Asian American Therapist

Alex Ly is an Asian American therapist based in Fremont, CA, known online as The Bad Asian Therapist.

He specializes in helping high-achieving second-gen Asian adults break free from the guilt, burnout, and silent pressure of the "Good Asian Upbringing."

With a direct, no-fluff approach, Alex works with clients navigating anxiety, trauma, family stress, and cultural expectations. Whether you're looking for an Asian therapist who truly gets it, a trauma therapist who won’t sugarcoat it, or an anxiety therapist who speaks your language—Alex offers in-person therapy in Fremont and online therapy across California.

Learn more About Alex, the Bad Asian Therapist

What Is the Good Asian Upbringing?